The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
