dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
