Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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