i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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