things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
