I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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