oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
