if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
