pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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