Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
