I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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