either way he was missing a nipple.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
