my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
