Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
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I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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