New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
