Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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