He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
