We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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