im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
