highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
