Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
