I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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