Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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