god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
