sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
