hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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