I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
