I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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