You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
