apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
