I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
