I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
