Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
