When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Found your dick twin last night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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