if you like me you must not know who I am
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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