Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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