Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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