i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
we're so committed to being not committed
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
