gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
