6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
