We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
