i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
