there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My balls are so social today.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
