all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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