I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
