she was so not down for the gang bang
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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