four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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