dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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