Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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