First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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