Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I could make wine with my vomit
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
