I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
