do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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