tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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