just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win