Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
