You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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