Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
