So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
